THE DUMP

AUGUST 21, 2025

READ TIME - as long as it takes

SILLY CANNONBALLS 1

CURRENTLY IN PRODUCTION.

👆🏻 That is something I’ve wanted to say for going on 4 years now.

Two weeks ago I pressed record on principal production for “Silly Cannonballs,” a documentary on fatherhood.

Because crafting a documentary is a bear, I’m going to take y’all along the journey with me, documenting the filmmaking process, my creative and personal intentions, and what I’m learning about myself + fatherhood + anything else that will inevitably sweep me off my feet.

This is the first email, so let’s dive in.

1. THE ONE SENTENCE THAT KEPT ME FROM STARTING

If you’ve been following ROAR for a bit, you may remember an email I sent about the time I told my dad “I don’t think you’re showing up for my son.”

The context is, Bray was 2 years old and my dad had yet to meet him. That bothered me. A lot.

So one afternoon on a drive in the mountains, I finally mustered enough angst to pick the phone up and call him to say it out loud. And the way he received what I had to say, and the way he responded (and has responded since) took me off guard.

He started driving up to our place regularly, facetiming regularly, getting gifts for the boy (and our little girl as well), and generally being a long-distance grandpa.

It was a side of my dad that I’m not positive I’ve ever seen. Not that he’s a bad guy, but my expectations of his reaction went another way in my mind.

The relief I felt was massive . . . however there was actually another deeper thorn that has been stuck in my craw (just heard this saying from him in our interview. Old people, am I right?) that I knew one day I needed to get out.

On top of that, this idea for Silly Cannonballs couldn’t get off the ground UNTIL I was able to dig that thorn out, because I knew I couldn’t tell this story with my conscience reminding me that I haven’t been totally honest with the man in the film.

So two weeks ago

I drove the hour down to my childhood home, put 4 cameras in his living room, a chair in the center, interviewed him on fatherhood, and said this (direct transcript):

"You also said earlier, and I love this, that you don't know what your father is going through, and as you get older you start to see the things you didn't notice before. And so what I notice now, especially after having kids, is just, you tried your best. You didn't have a lot to go off of. I see the stuff that happened with my mom, I see, you know, just life in general, and you just tried your best. And what I liken that to is . . .

For every physical thing that I needed, and really a ton of what I wanted, you provided 100%. But a lot of the things that I needed emotionally, I don't think we had a relationship. I don't think emotionally there was a presence."

That last sentence . . .

That’s the one that swirled around my skull like fingers of wine crawling down the glass every time I thought of initializing this doc.

I knew if I didn’t say those words to my dad, to his face, that any second of work I put towards this project would be in vain, and I would be throwing this man under the bus in the name of “content” or something.

And on top of that, the message would be soiled because - well, I couldn’t find the courage enough to say what I need to say to MY dad, what would I expect of anyone (my own son, most importantly) that watches this thing?

Since that sentence left my lips, the energy and momentum for this project has been uncontainable.

Also, I feel peace like I haven’t felt before in my relationship with my dad (and really, I think that’s more the point of this project anyways).

So, here I am, finally able to put effort into the thing that has been assaulting my “what ifs” for the longest time. I’m more excited about this than I have been for anything in a good while. Thanks dad, for being an example of what ultimate humility looks like in this role.

2. WHAT IS SILLY CANNONBALLS ABOUT?

Quick elevator pitch: Silly Cannonballs explores how to be a father, how to be a son of a father, and how to know God AS father.

It’s not a tutorial.

It’s my first-hand experience of all of these things.

It was born of a ton of doubt, self-criticism, and confusion about my ability and worth as a father and as a son.

I call it the “scaries.”

The thoughts that hunt me down anytime, anywhere, and deplete my life-bar like we’re in Mortal Kombat. I sucked so bad at that game, and it’s translated well into battles with the scaries. I suck at that, too.

Now, all’s well and good if I’m the only one the scaries impact. I can push through - muster enough gumption to make it to the next patch of light.

However, we all know that’s not the case.

The scaries spill onto everyone around you, starting with the closest. Family.

They show up in different ways depending on the person - one of the ways they come out for me is in anger. I have a bit of a short fuse compliments of my dad (yes we talked about that in the interview), and I tend to erupt when the scaries do their best scaring.

Let me say that with less fluff - I show a face that I really don’t like to my son, my daughter, and my wife when my overwhelm and frustration get to a place where I can’t contain it with the current level of skill I have.

A month and a half ago I picked up a book called Reset that deals with burnout in men, and how we can take steps to rest and reset in life. I know a ton of my anger is born from this burnout that I’ve felt for literal years, and this book has been a massive impact for how I’m dealing with it AND how I’m understanding a deep purpose of this documentary.

David Murray takes his readers through some repair bays starting with identity. What is the first lens you view yourself through? That first lens colors everything after it, so who are you?

Great question for someone who’s struggled with that question forever.

That’s both in jest, and also brutally true. It is great.

Do you know God as “Father?” I sure don’t, not as deeply and intimately as I want to, and as I believe we’re invited to (supposed to, called to, wanted, lead to, etc. to.). And if I don’t know Him as father, then I don’t know myself as son - David uses the word “saved.”

If I don’t begin my identity looking through the first lens of “saved” or “son,” then I don’t really know the depth of my worth. I don’t understand how cherished, desired, delighted in, pursued, disciplined, cared for, lead, prepared, protected, thought about, hoped for, loved that I am.

Knowing that’s the case, how can I demand a right use of emotions that I have - anger - if I don’t have the security of that love as a first response to anything?

I’m not convinced one can. Not with any real authority.

SO many scaries come. Some unfathomable. How do you even begin to withstand the storm without that first bit of truth?

I can’t. I haven’t. Not for a lot of my life. There has been moments, but fewer than I care to admit or list out.

So what I’m starting to really understand at the root of this project is that identity is almost the most important ingredient to being a “good” father and/or son.

It’s probably a “go figure” moment for some, but for those like me who have sought that magical cloak of identity in as many ways as possible, it’s starting to reveal a bit more of the mystery in what this doc is about.

My hope is to inspire a similar path of exploration for the dads who feel like they fell between the cracks like I have through Silly Cannonballs. Simple, honest, and hopefully colorful storytelling that softens the resistance as much as possible.

You may know some dads who are in that position - would you invite them to sign up for this newsletter? I would love to be a “first guy through the brick wall” for em.

3. BREAKING DOWN THE LOOK OF THE INTERVIEW

I sat at a bar with a great friend of mine, Carlos, a while ago as I was contemplating how to structure and film this documentary. I had some wild visions of big cameras, set lighting, and cinematic scripted scenes.

But somewhere along the line I realized that this is such a personal story, and such a personal quest, that I have to be the one to put in the work.

So at this point, it’s completely self supported.

There are a ton of filmmaking challenges that are coming with that decision, not least is setting up four camera angles for an interview.

On a typical set (with a budget), as director I’m usually running a crew of folks. On my largest, I had somewhere between 30-50 crew members and talent that I was guiding by my vision.

Those members are setting up lighting, placing cameras, coordinating talent and hair and makeup, producing all of the bits and pieces that make a full production run.

On this, it’s all me.

So I have to temper my expectations a bit, and plan time accordingly.

And as much planning as one can do, there are always - let me put that in all caps and italicize for emphasis - ALWAYS surprises that try to derail perfection.

Here’s the biggest from the interview with my dad. . .

I took about an hour and a half to build the set.

I began by finding my A and B camera angles because they would dictate much of the lighting and direction of the look. Depending on where I put those would call for the key light position.

Turns out, I was able to use the large bay window to my dad’s left, my right, as a soft box, so I stuck the 3 1X1 led panels on light weight stands on the bay ledge and thumbtacked a big diffusion sheet (a full-grid full stop for those of you who know) over the opening to give me a big, soft source.

I let light spill from the sliding glass doors in the back for a little back light, and utilized my dad’s gypsy lamp for a practical. That’s his own red bulb. He does that on purpose. Ask me why . . . no idea. Guy is QUIRKY.

My most recent toy-purchase is a Fuji XT-3 and a 14mm lens, and I’ve fallen head over heels in love with the look this wide of a lens gives. I’ve shot with a 35mm equivalent for the longest time in my X100T that I got so bored with it.

The minute I saw the 14mm, I felt a magic through the frame that I haven’t felt for a very long time holding a camera. I want to shoot more with the kiddos that lens give such a wide look that it feels like being in the world of a kid.

I love it so much that I felt a strong pull to embrace a wider angle for a lot of this doc, especially shooting for a 2:35 widescreen ratio.

So I went with a wide open 24mm on a Sony A7sIII for the A.

For the B cam, I wanted a more interesting look than a typical side angle.

Knowing the way my house looked, and my dads *cough decorating style, I thought about the setup and art direction for a couple of weeks. I wanted to embrace every quirk I possibly could - the Hawaiian shirt and sweat-shorts that he always wears (flip flops out of frame), the chaotic collection of mismatched frames of art and random pictures mixed with Asian influence nicknacks, and the classic 70s aesthetic of the home that hasn’t changed an iota (except for the drumset in the living room, that was in the basement, but what’s an old retired guy supposed to do?) from when I was living at home.

I also knew going with more up-angles would be great to embody that “dad” power - like a little boy looking up to his father.

So I put the tripod on it’s lowest possible setting and pointed the camera up to what you see here. I loved how full the frame felt.

Now, the problem that I didn’t foresee is that my dad likes to talk with his hands. The camera I had on B was the same as A - Sony A7sIII - and since I’m the only one on production, there would be nobody pulling focus.

No problem because the Sonys are FANTASTIC at auto-focus in video. So I could set it and forget it.

I started the interview asking about my dad’s dad - what was he like, what was their relationship like. I KNEW this would be some of the most important content of the film because I want to explore how generations impact each other.

He gave me some great answers about their relationship, how they were distant until he was around 25, how his dad whipped him with a belt when he was 8, how they made up and cried together one afternoon drinking gin and tonics at his home in Tucson, AZ. I was sucked into his story until . . .

Out of the corner of my eye I noticed some focusing on the monitor. I peeked over at the camera and the focus was on his HANDS.

As his hands would shoot up into the frame, the camera would grab focus on them and lose focus on his face. Then they would drop and the camera would hunt for focus, grab it on his face, then a hand would come up again.

Over and over. Ruining a LOT of what B Cam was capturing.

And this was like 30 minutes into the interview. I was a bit worried because I thought I really messed up. I put a hand up and stopped the interview.

I switched the camera to manual focus and left it on his eye, so the rest of the interview was great.

Whoops.

My hope is, as the film is cut, there are tiny moments I can cut from A and get a clean section of B during this part of the interview. That’s the magic of a lot of filmmaking anyways, rolling with the punches and clipping out the best parts that work.

Ask anyone that has cut anything and they’ll tell you - it’s a lot of leading the eye so nobody sees the mess ups haha!

All good because I have C cam and D cam to cut to, however both of those cameras have a different emotional purpose.

C cam I wanted to feel a bit more removed from the conversation, so anytime he starts to talk about something serious we could have a more distant/serious look. Dirtying the frame with foreground can make create that feeling.

So I wiggled my XT3 camera in-between the cymbals and toms on his drums. This angle is fantastic for stuff like the serious nature of being whipped with a belt.

Will it work for an angle that I missed with his hand-talking? I’ll find out and let you know . . .

I had the idea for D camera for a long time. I first used this angle on another production when I was doing a patient testimonial for a company called Inari. The guy in that film had a very scary moment with a blood clot and almost lost his life, and I cut to this super high-close (closer than this with my dad) angle to bring a lot more drama. I think it works.

For my dad’s interview, I knew I wanted something I could cut to that brought that same level of impact, but I also wanted to have more of an effect. I figured we’d get into some content that explored doubt as a father, or regret, or something that could use an “out of body” look, so I stuck a little Sony ZV-1F on a C-stand and armed it over the top.

Then I rigged two little diopters (basically magnifying glass lenses) on some hands and worked those until I had a cool level of distortion.

This little camera is FANTASTIC for specials like this. It’s just a little tool in the kit, but puts out a knock-out punch if you are careful with the use.

Can’t wait to see where this angle fits into the story.

So far, this one-man-band approach is working out. It’s a ton of patience and planning, of course, but I’m pleased with what I’ve gotten.

This production is a lot, and I’m having a really good time with it.

There will be a lot of stories and behind the scenes stuff that I’ll be sharing more of as production continues, and as always if you have questions or thoughts, or you want to see more of something, just hit reply to this email (my BIL Larry let me know last email that the reply wasn’t actually working, but it is fixed now, so I’ll get ‘em 👍🏻).

And please share the sign up with anybody you think might enjoy what’s going on - no, they don’t have to be dads.

brb,

Sean

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